Crisis of confidence or loss of belief?

I must apologise – I haven’t been writing as much as I should. I’ve been in a weird place lately in my head and have found it difficult to get myself moving again.

I thought I would use the experience to write this blog so it may be more like my mind’s musings than anything I’ve written before! Enter at your own risk!

I am not really sure where to begin – these feelings of lethargy and boredom crept up on me from out of nowhere. I began to question my purpose and my work. I also lost my confidence along the way too which wasn’t nice.

For those of you who don’t know me I used to work full time in the IT world and I started up my holistic business in the evenings and weekends. I worked like that for 5 years and then last year made the leap into full-time self-employment. It was the scariest yet most liberating thing I have ever done!

So for the past 16 months I have been my own boss. I set my own schedule. I suit myself with regards to the hours I work and the clients I see. It has been an amazing journey yet in the last couple of months I have found myself questioning my calling.

Reiki is my speciality and something which I have been passionate about right from the start of the business in 2010. I noticed that I was becoming complacent about it. I was feeling like it just wasn’t working for me any more.

I began to question my beliefs and my understanding of the world. I felt really disconnected. I felt as if I was completely on my own and I couldn’t quite explain what was going on in my mind. Something just felt wrong.

In typical fashion for me I withdrew into myself. I have always done that. I have always felt the need to go within when something isn’t right. The problem was that even deep inside myself I still couldn’t find the answers.

I was struggling to meditate, to go walking or to take my own advice. I was sick of the sound of my own voice. I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again – as I gave advice to clients I felt like a fraud because I was in such an odd place myself.

I began to wonder if I had started “settling” again. Had I started to take my self-employed lifestyle for granted? It was all becoming a little bit too easy – I like a challenge!

Something had to change so I decided to finally go for the art lessons that my lovely partner had bought me for my birthday at Christmas. I’ve always been a bit of a closet artist – so I decided to bite the bullet and go and get some proper lessons in oil painting.

I absolutely loved it! I came home and immediately set about buying new paints, brushes and canvas boards. All I wanted to do was paint!

Needless to say I found my new challenge – how to fit in my love for painting and my work. I began to day-dream about how it would be lovely to have a house overlooking the sea, with floor to ceiling windows and a big room to use as my art studio. I would just paint all day and earn my money that way. We can all dream right?

So this is currently where I am – I am coming through the loss of confidence in my abilities. I know I am good at what I do and that I bring value to my clients’ lives. I also know that in order to protect my mental health and well-being I need to find a creative outlet. Meditation and walking are good for me too but they are not the be all and end all.

I think I was feeling suffocated by my work. Because I work from home the lines were blurred between my private and professional life. So decisions have been made and over the coming months I am going to re-work how I operate my business.

It’s exciting again now for me. I have my new challenge – how to continue to bring exceptional value to my clients without burning myself out in the process. Services will be streamlined and I will set myself healthy boundaries. I will stop being a slave to the notifications on my phone.

I will practice what I preach and make some changes. After all – if you don’t like something in your life then change it! Do something about it and watch as things get better.

I think what this period has taught me is that life is in constant flux and change. Nothing should stay the same forever – it only becomes stagnant. You have to constantly keep moving and follow your dreams and your passions otherwise what is it all for?

I’d love to hear from you – how do you keep things fresh? How do you lift yourself out of the doldrums when they hit? Please leave a comment below or connect with me via my Facebook page or website.

Love & light to you all – thank you for reading my musings today! I look forward to bring you more news once my new improved way of operating is established!

Oh and if you would like to see some of my painting efforts click here to view the shared album. This is me stepping way out of my comfort zone by sharing!

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